I feel like a trapped animal.

http://www.edibleanus.com/

That is all.

Probably not safe for work.

Current Mood: amused

I'm typing this blind because I just played guitar hero for several hours straight and everything is moving when it shouldn't be. 

5 hours of guitar hero is too much.  My hands went numb.  My arms tingle.

My eyes.. MY EYES...

I housed Kevin so many times he feels.. so small.

\m/

Current Mood: accomplished

On April 27th I am going to be walking in the 2008 Arthritis Walk in Battery Park.  It is in support of my friend Sam's daughter Savannah who suffers from Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis.  If you can donate, please do.  Any amount is greatly appreciated.  You can donate on this page here :

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=258153&lis=1&kntae258153=568003B15E2844F6820548B67EBF041B&supId=170578188

Current Mood: hopeful

Mark, I think you need to try this and let us know how it goes:

http://www.cosmicchile.com/site/rectal-rocket-fuel.html

Current Mood: curious

It may not be anything to you, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a big deal to me.

Especially don't tell me its nothing if there is absolutely no chance that you will EVER have to go through it yourself.

Asshole.

I've just had it... I don't know how much more I will be able to take before I completely lose my shit.

Just more of the same I guess.  I think I'm going to just have to give up any hope of having the natural birth I wanted.  We're scheduling the c-section and even though she said that we'll schedule it and maybe the day before try to do a mini-induction (they can't do a full on aggressive one because of my previous c-section) but again, I think she was placating me.  Honestly, in her opinion, its not likely to work.  And I know she's right.  But giving up the hope is just crushing.  And no one seems to understand why.

I put it in words to my mom and to Kevin today:  Had I been told that the only way I would ever have any more children would be via c-section, Sean would be an only child.  The experience was that horrible.

And I'm tired of people saying things like "oh its a piece of cake" or "the second one is much easier" or stupid shit like "hey at least you get to pick the birthday!"  or "you get a healthy baby in the end either way" I DONT FUCKING CARE.  I didn't even want to have an I.V. and now I'm basically saying, Ok sir.. hack me open and leave me feeling like I got rolled over by a truck for a month!  My first birth experience was stolen from me by a doctor with an agenda, and it looks like this one is going to be stolen too.

I don't remember much of Sean's birth except for pain.  The pain that made them give me more medication that basically took me out of the whole thing.  The stabbing chest pains when they were digging him out that were so shocking I could hardly breathe.  I never heard them say what he was until later.. they showed him to me but I don't remember it... I never heard his first cry.  I woke up 30 minutes later to them rolling in a machine to look for a towel they couldn't find.

I spent the night feeling trapped in my bed cuz I couldn't move and I was hot and itchy and feeling closed in and I spent the next day wanting to die because I had never in my life felt that kind of pain before.

It took me 3 months to finally feel "ok" last time.

Fuck.

Current Mood: crushed

My brain broke after watching this.  Kevin stood there a little stunned for a minute.

Now I share it with you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzOpjBOzMqA

And then you can finish it up with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iIxvRsn9zk

Current Mood: confused